When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Was it something I said?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat