When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!