When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*