Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
You Might Also Like
I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?
Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when you’re looking at your phone next to someone who’s sleeping, you will inadvertently click on a video