When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.


I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.


You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.


Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives


facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks


Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.


Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*


[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt


Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.


It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when you’re looking at your phone next to someone who’s sleeping, you will inadvertently click on a video