Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
You Might Also Like
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Weather Girl: I’m looking at six to ten inches tonight.
Me, to the TV: But is it going to SNOW?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
American: Say Aboot or Sorey? You say words so weird.
Canadian: Yeah eh. Does saying Free health care hurt your feelings?
Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.
Put her head right through the drywall.
Goddam cheap motels.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.