Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let鈥檚 change our spelling
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we鈥檙e talking
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Did you know cats are called cats because they鈥檙e roughly half the size of cattle?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
馃馃敟馃馃敟
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
She: I like Cats
He:
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.