Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves