When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
crochet youtube is brutal
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.