When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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WTF
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Just added something to my bucket list.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
we’re gonna need another temp
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Shortcut
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.