When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad