When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Happy thanksgiving
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed