When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.