When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble