When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.