Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

There’s no “u” in narcissist

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

*scroll*

*scroll*

*scroll*

[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

*scroll*

*scroll*

*scroll*

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?