When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
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ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
felt that
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
crying
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.