When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry