When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
tinder is all about the long game
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
who wore it better?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
