When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.