When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
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4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
