When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
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[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.