When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.