Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.