When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
The game has officially changed 😎
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
⛄️
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.