When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁