When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.