When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.