Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

ㅤ

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.