Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

umm…

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom