When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
They’re really bad with fonts.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*