When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Finally
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
