When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR