When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.