When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you