Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on