When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love