Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*