Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

My neck, my back, my…

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

I’m putting together a team

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.