Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

lol

THIS HEADLINE

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch