when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
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Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no