Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Cry smarter, not harder.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.