when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
aura
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages