When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
awkward
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.