When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Pringles
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school