When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
You Might Also Like
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.