When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
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Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.