When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it