Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan