When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
The United Steaks of America
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.