[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes
salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake
salazar slytherin: no reason
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
*leans out office door*
Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.
*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.