@HomeProbably

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

@shannon2703

Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.

@sad_tree

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

@YourMomsucksTho

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

@PortRooster

Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…

@tweetsbyrocket

[hogwarts]

plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason

@FeelingEuphoric

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

@Laser_Cat

*leans out office door*

Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.

*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*

@OldUncleDaveO

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.