When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.