When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.