When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
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BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then