When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
on da cob, we all corn
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Salad is the decaf of food.