Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

True

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

This is me

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!