When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
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I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.