When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
He wanted to make sure😂
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.