When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge