Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?