Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

🙄

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.