Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.
(For Judy in Accounting)
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*