@nayomeewallace

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

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@Browtweaten

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

@Browtweaten

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

@perlhack

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

@cray_at_home_ma

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

@MyHairyLife

I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat…

I will not eat a third donut.
I will not eat a third donut.

@joci2203

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

@_davidlucas_

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

@AnnietheNanny1

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?