When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes