Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm