When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
You Might Also Like
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea