Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

vegan witches, happy halloween!

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

my mind

You just read my mind

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree