When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
If only
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.