When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
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I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
You deplete me
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
A wise man once said nothing.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
thinking about a very short hotdog
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”